Everyone fights. Maybe you and your partner bicker about money, household chores, or parenting styles. Perhaps you can’t stand their tone of voice while discussing logistics or your skin crawls when you talk about politics.
While it may feel, at times, like you have a shared identity, you and your significant other are two different people. “Even though you’re together, fell in love, and maybe built a family, that doesn’t mean you’re the same person or have all of the same views and opinions,” Lisa Brateman, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist and the author of What Are We Really Fighting About?, tells SELF. That’s not a bad thing: With distinct personality traits, you can learn from each other and potentially have an easier time coping with stressful events and solving problems (as they say, two heads are better than one). However, it does mean that you will, inevitably, butt heads.
If you fight the right way—you’re open to your partner’s perspective and truly listen to their concerns—your disagreements can help you understand each other better and grow as a couple. But we humans are complicated, messy creatures, which means we don’t always behave rationally. As a result, relationship fights can quickly get combative and cruel (and I think it’s safe to say nobody ever resolved one by giving their loved one the cold shoulder.)
Sparring with your SO doesn’t have to be a lose-lose situation, though, so if you feel like your arguments are more destructive than constructive, it might be time to change up your style. After all, as Brateman puts it: “It’s not that you fight, it’s how you fight.” Here are five glaring clues that your word wars are doing more harm than good—and some easy-to-implement tips for fighting fair.
1. You blame each other.
Let’s pretend you asked your partner to be ready to leave at 7 p.m. to get to your dinner reservation on time. It’s 6:55 and they’re still in the shower and you are…fuming. Ten minutes later, they hop out of the bathroom and, with a tone, you say, “Why aren’t you ready yet? You knew we were supposed to leave 10 minutes ago!”
Should they have managed their time better? Perhaps, but Brateman says blaming is one of the more common toxic behaviors she sees in unhappy couples. “Blame is: It’s not me, it’s you,” she says, and regardless of whether or not your partner messed up, when you come at them with that attitude, they’ll likely feel attacked and go on the defense. The result: Instead of sorting out your conflict, you probably won’t resolve anything and will continue to spat.
People throw blame at loved ones over all kinds of issues: Maybe you feel like your person sucks at scheduling quality time with you, they never pick up your phone calls, or they’re god-awful at planning ahead (see shower example above)—and you can’t help but say, “Why on earth did (or didn’t) you do that?!”
